think think think about it

There are so many answers to this question. Let's start with my college application choices. I would have applied to NYU or Harvard if I knew I would get in. I would have tried harder in speech and debate because I knew I would have been a winner in the end. I know this is really cliche but, the first thing that popped to my head is I would run for presidency. Although, I don't think Presidents end up getting the respect they deserve, so I would rather be on Senate.

I hate how failure is always in the back of your mind. If it is either by a lover or a friend. I used to be a winner. I used to think like a winner. But, now I kind of like my own line of thinking. I mean we are all good at something, some people are much much much better singers than me, but that doesn't mean I can't' attempt to sing. Some people are just better test takers, but that doesn't mean I am not as smart as they are. Well, if you think about it, an attempt is never a fail, it's just an attempt. Live once. Carpe diem.

We are Knights of the Round Table

Medieval Times. BYAHHHHHHHHHH.

I want to change something

about me.

I want to stop being so sensitive. I want to be secure about everything. I want to be secure about you, my friends, my family, my future and myself. But, none of those I have security with. There are bigger and better things out there. Better than me. Bigger than me. And, everyone seems to get a hold of these things, but not me.

In sequel to kimly's blog, I am terrified. I really am. Things I want so badly to happen I fear never will. I keep saying things, and all of you used to say yes, yes, we will. But, now you hesitate. That hesitation terrifies me.

Why has crying become so easy. It makes me angry when I cry. I used to cry maybe once a year. But, now it's probably once a week or every other week. I hate this sensitivity crap. People seem to brush off shit so easily. I used to be that person. I used to be the heart breaker. But, now my heart is breaking. My heart is breaking from exhaustion, fear, worry, injustice, stupidity, and stubbornness.

I miss those days when you knew no matter what you did one person would be there for you. Or you had someone to run to. Now, when I need to run I look around in confusion thinking who to go to. My friends? They can only sympathize with me so much. My teachers? I won't have them next year so why prolong the love. My boyfriend? I'm tired of burdening him with so much of my own problems. Lately, my mom has been the one who knows me the best. She told me today that she's not used to me letting people bother me so much. I'm gonna stop that. I'm gonna hang up the phone and not cry anymore. I'm gonna take the snippy comment or the bitchy look and walk away and forget about it. I'm gonna let people make their mistakes and not say anything about it. If people treat me unfairly, I'm gonna laugh at you because one day you will realize that you have no one because power has consumed your whole soul.

Right now I wish I could take Soma pills. But, until scientists create a legal drug to make you happy, I'm gonna keep breathing and realize in the end people are going to hurt you but you still have yourself.

I will always be there for me and so will this rhinoceros. That gives me some hope.

Take it off

When you come home from a long pointless day of school or work the best feeling in the entire world is just taking your clothes off. It is almost as if you are released from the grasp of the terrible day or the annoying people you encountered. It feels amazing when you can finally breath and you don't have to keep pulling down your shirt when you get up. God, it feels amazing to not have your movements restricted. If I had a choice I would be in sweats and a big t-shirt every day and I would be as happy as a clam. hehe. I just pictured a clam smiling.

(now you can too)

The first time

Today was the first dayin a very long time I actually went to church. I went because my mom said she hated going by herself, and I hate for my mom to be sad, so I felt obligated to go with her. Obligation to go to church. That's not how it should be. So, I am going to work on that this lent season.

Today I realized a few things. I realized when I sit towards the front of the church I pay more attention, but I also fear my underwear is sticking out and all the people behind me are snickering about it. I realized that the married couple who both wear gray suits, you can't really tell who wears the "pants" in the family. I hope I never become like that. I realized that I probably should go to confession, because just this past year I have done a lot of stupid stupid stupid things that I really regret. But, this is the first time I have realized that those were my mistakes and I can only grow from them. I have realized that the ability to hear silence is truly a gift from God. I realized that I want to get married in the Catholic church and I want to go through the 6 months of marriage classes like my mom did. I realized that if I was the Priest before we started saying the Our Father I would say everyone better hold hands with each other, or else, because we truly are all sons and daughters of God, and darnit hold each others hand. I realized that is truly a pet peeve of mine. I noticed that the woman who sings in the choir is starting to grow her own hair back after going through chemotherapy. That made me happy.

I have definitely realized today more than anything that I love toasted rye bread with butter on top. Oh, how it smells soooo good.

Please watch the whole thing. You won't regret it!

I have the best Sadies Date

(He said yes!)

special thanks to Kimly for the commentary and when it came to Mr. Ramirez she sure did keep the camera on him! hahah. also to Mr. Stevens giving the clue at the wrong time. Oh ya, and for Mr. O proving that he sure doesn't know how to use his I-Phone! hehehee.