Monday, June 29, 2009

The eggshell has finally cracked

I have absolutely no idea what the hell I am doing right now. Have you ever accidentally cracked an egg in your hand and the yolk spilled through your fingers, and you feel disgusting while the yellowness oozes down your palm? I haven't either, but just imagining it makes me cringe.
Right now I'm typing with my head down because I don't want to look at the words that obviously show my insecurites. My head is down because I have gone through so many realizations in less than 2 weeks. ANd I don't think I can handle anymore of them.
How does it feel when you realize that someone who you thought was so perfect turned out to be nothing but imperfect.? He will always be my mentor but there is a part of me that knows I can't listen and believe to every word he says and that hurts so much to come to that realization.
The fact that I thought someone else could actually make me happy. I have never been more wrong in my life. And then on top of that, realizing how wonderful love really is. It can make someone hike 10 extra miles for you But, only to make the trip worse, realizing that it was only a front that love created. I couldn't sleep that night. I knew u were happy, but I was so far from happy and I didn't have the courage to turn over and tell you. That's not love, that's cowardliness.
You told me to find peace. Yet I found more hatred and anger and lies and deceptions then I could have ever found in all my years of high school. And all of those words threw up all over me in less than 6 days.

I didn't know love could hurt more than hatred or anger. combined.
Our rest of our lives was determined in a small hot box with 62 minutes on the clock. no more than that. You should've sewn the note you wrote to my chest, so then I wouldn't have to explain to anyone, and everyone would've heard your story.
I don't want to go to college. i don't want to meet new people. i don't want ppl to walk into my room smoking a bong and I don't even blink an eye. I want my life complete and my career set already. I want to skip the next 4 years of my life, just haven't exactly figured out how to yet.
Today my mom told me to smile less. Well her wish will be granted.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

"only girl in years"

Is life really made up of moments of fate where everything happens for a reason? if so, then how come I feel like I am missing out on so many of those moments.

When it comes down to it, does happiness really depend on the timing of everything?

Why are there so many opportunities available now to be happy and I am missing them. Does that mean my fate is messed up? do I even believe in fate? if everything happens for a reason, and i keep following this path, then I don't want this fate. I want to trade my destiny with someone else's. "I want him to be in the equation" of my destiny but that's not the case and I can't do anything about it.

"Why do I have to do the right thing" while doing the ABSOLUTE wrong thing? "fuck this."

If only you knew.

"I am numb." I am going to miss you destiny.

That's when I lost my head

my mind is screaming how angry I am, but my heart says otherwise.

When it comes to relationships, is it safe to listen to your heart and not your mind?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Dear Teachers and Staff

You better call me when you come to San Diego and you can try and convince me to join a Sorority. 

I have the letter you wrote me under my bed. It was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you. 

I was so excited when I read that, but now I look back and it's just like everyone else's. I thought I was special. 

I am not scared anymore.  Thank you so much. 

You said you loved me. You kissed me on the cheek. You embraced me, just like a proud parent. 

You not being at graduation left a void, an emptiness in my heart and a picture that should have been there. 

You look beautiful in any color. 

You used to be my role model. You used to be someone I respected and would talk to. I wanted what you had. But, now I know that you aren't even really happy and you have shared that with me, and I don't even want to visit you when I come back. 

Your final hug you gave me was the tightest squeeze and you told me this wasn't a goodbye. Enjoy Utah!

Your inspiring words and goodbye speech left me feeling breathless. I love you. 

If only I was better. But, nonetheless if I ever become a teacher I can only dream of becoming half as intelligent and witty as you. 

If I ever become a teacher, I will do everything you failed to do. I promise. 


So after getting home at 6 am, i had to sleep on the couch cuz my brother was in my bed, but that's okay. I instantly fell asleep but awoke about an hour and a half later completely terrified. I heard a bird screamminggg and flapping for its life, and all i could imagine while my eyes were closed was that one of my kitties got a hold of Fergie, my pet parakeet, and they were going to kill it. I finally sat up and looked to where the noise was comming from and it was Willy slowly killing a baby baby bird. It was so helpless and horrible looking I jumped over the couch, ran into my room, told my brother to go clean it up, and finally fell back to sleep.

But, i think that bird messed with my mind, because the dreams that came after that were SOOOOO bizarre. I actually woke myself up after some of it cuz i didn't like em...and i wrote everything down in my cell phone of what I could remember. So, i am going to share my dreams with you. P.S. I have no idea what anything means, and a lot of it doesn't connect, these are just tid bits i remember:

Kathleen got "sex's" crossed out tattoooed to her stomach. It was like a no drinking sign, but the word "sex's" was x-ed out.

Each graduate got their very own brick to put in the senior square, but Mrs. Smith kept reminding us that if one of the teachers died, because she knew they would, we were not able to change what we wrote on the brick.

I fell asleep during the hypnosis show, so the guy decided to take advantage of it and made me do all the wacky stuff, and i couldn't wake up.

Jake cheated in school and had to repay the school by running around and doing ridiculous errands for everyone, even the students. I felt really bad for him, so I took him to a meeting that let him talk about his addictiveness to cheat and mellissa and april were there, and i just remember hating them, because they were distracting Jake from his meeting.

While driving with Mr. Stevens, Alex was in the backseat, and we drove down a street that there was a KKK parade. I told Mr. Stevens I was scared, but he was determined to go through the street cuz it was a shortcut. The road was blocked so we had to walk outside. Some crazy white woman was shooting everywhere and spelling ARCO into the wall and shot Alex. I got so scared I forced myself to wake up.

After waking up for a bit, I fell back asleep and had one more dream.

There was this partyish thing over someone's house and Matt Schrader was there. I went up to him to start asking about SDSU and how he liked it. *In my dream it seemed like I had liked him for a long time..but i swear i don't. Anyway, I kept talking to him and trying to flirt with him and he invited me to a football game at SDSU.

UGH. i wish i knew what this all meant. It seems like a lot of it connected with friends, graduation, and my future. I'm so excited for everything that is soon to happen. The hugs i received the past few days have made up for every crappy night or day at Oxford.

oh the dreams i dream.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

that was the best text ever

thank you so much.

i love you and your family.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

6 more days

no cares in the world.
tonight felt like summerr!

6 more dayssssss, and nothing's gonna bring me down!!!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I don't like

feeling that my blog is going to judge me/get mad at me/question me on what I write. I know this is insane, but I actually feel that if I wrote exactly what was on my mind, my blog would be offended. Perhaps furious. I don't like that. I want a place where I can share my feelings freeeely, and not be a burden. I want to thank my right brain for that. She always allows me to complain to her.

Just look away, and smile. Soon enough I will be staring at the floor, lying to myself how beautiful it is and giving false information on why I'm examining the floor.

I'm gonna stop. I don't wanna. But I'm gonna!

There is so much more out there then you could even imagine.

But, sitting here with my kitty in my lap, kissing her nose every few minutes, is where I want to be right now.

p.s. above allllll, don't ever ever ever be envious of THAT. if you want to turn into THAT, go ahead, but you will find out that THAT is not THAT great. yuck.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


you make me question all of my used to be certainties.

i guess this was your motive