Friday, March 27, 2009


Today I did not tie my hair back when the wind was blowing in my face. 
Today I screamed all the wrong words to all the right songs. 
Today I threw an orange peel at my best friend. 
Today I said hello to more doggies than people. 
Today I had on a banana bikini, a banana shirt, and yellow sandals. 
Today I did not let the future even enter my thought. 
Today I allowed the berzey wind to breeze over my body and refused to put a jacket on. 
Today I ate the most delicious icecream. 

Today I went to the beach. 

Today I was free. Free from worry. Free from this constant suffocation that I can't seem to handle lately. Free from this shitty week. Free from everything. 

What will tomorrow bring me? 

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Color is everything

Have you ever stopped to appreciate the colors around you? I'm sitting in my dark room right now, but I still see the silvery yellowish light rays piercing through my mini-blinds. Or when Willy lays outside on my porch his orange eyes radiate against the shining sun and makes his entire body have a golden glow. The color of the yellow tulips as they awaken in spring time filling not only the world with color but also my heart as my pupils grow larger trying to take in all of the beauty. Or when Mogley is taking a nap on my sisters bed and his jet black fur blends in with the sheets, and I accidently sit on him because I didn't notice he was there. His dark color is so beautiful, that I can see one tiny piece of white fuzz on his black coat in an instant.

What I'm trying to say, what would the world be like if we had no color, or if we saw no color.

Above all, more than death itself, I would fear to be blind. I think that's why I hate eyeballs so much. When people put eye drops in, it makes me cringe, because our eyes are so precious they are the portals into another world, and it hurts me to see anything drop into them and never to return. Also, our eyes are so delicate, so vulnerable to anything that I want to shield my eyes from everything. I remember when I was doing an art project back in 4th grade and I had to use glitter. I had glitter on my hands and I rubbed my e yes and got a few specks of glitter in my right eye. My stupid sister proceeded to freak out because she just learned that glitter was actually little specks of glass. As I tried to splash water into my eyes and get the shards out and it didn't work, I started to hyperventilate, told my mom to take me to the emergency, and began to cry. Within a few moments of my near heart attack, the tears actually carried the little speckles right out of my eyes. Tears are quite powerful.

Anyway, the reason I am really writing this blog, is because my mom was diagnosed with Glaucoma which is an eye disease. Luckily, as long as she takes eye drops everyday she will not lose her peripheral vision and eventually go blind. But, the eye drops will make my mother's once beautiful light green eyes that were the attention grabbers and compliment getters turn to a dull brown color. This broke my moms heart.

Friday, March 20, 2009

I am here

I am here. I am in the safe zone. I don't want to let anyone in who hasn't been there before. I am in my own little safe zone. I feel safe here. I know what tomorrow brings me. I know what the next week brings me. Every 2 weeks I know what to expect. Every single God given day I know what will be there for me. Those hugs bring me to safety. Those kisses protect. Those familiar faces are my shield.

But is this bubble I have created for myself really healthy? It's not like me. I have always been the one to be spontaneous and stupid, and wild, and not know what the next day will bring. Is this good? Am I satisfied? Am I becoming like my sister, and if a routine is broken then I will cry about it? I hate routines. Too much memorization. Too many boundaries and restrictions.

Lately, something has been missing in my life. But, I don't want to leave my little safe zone to go and find it. Maybe, that's what college is for. To branch out of the familiar zone that you have created for yourself, and go into the hazard zone. But, I don't want to. I love this zone. This zone is my friend. Well at least I think it is. Lately, I have been second guessing myself. I hate that. It really is a flaw in me.

I hate this feeling.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


The egg is cracking.

Slowly, but surely.

Dammit, how do I make it stop?

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Bora Bora

I wanna be there. Not here.

Friday, March 13, 2009

I fear for you,

my dream has come true.

think think think about it

There are so many answers to this question. Let's start with my college application choices. I would have applied to NYU or Harvard if I knew I would get in. I would have tried harder in speech and debate because I knew I would have been a winner in the end. I know this is really cliche but, the first thing that popped to my head is I would run for presidency. Although, I don't think Presidents end up getting the respect they deserve, so I would rather be on Senate.

I hate how failure is always in the back of your mind. If it is either by a lover or a friend. I used to be a winner. I used to think like a winner. But, now I kind of like my own line of thinking. I mean we are all good at something, some people are much much much better singers than me, but that doesn't mean I can't' attempt to sing. Some people are just better test takers, but that doesn't mean I am not as smart as they are. Well, if you think about it, an attempt is never a fail, it's just an attempt. Live once. Carpe diem.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Saturday, March 7, 2009

I want to change something

about me.

I want to stop being so sensitive. I want to be secure about everything. I want to be secure about you, my friends, my family, my future and myself. But, none of those I have security with. There are bigger and better things out there. Better than me. Bigger than me. And, everyone seems to get a hold of these things, but not me.

In sequel to kimly's blog, I am terrified. I really am. Things I want so badly to happen I fear never will. I keep saying things, and all of you used to say yes, yes, we will. But, now you hesitate. That hesitation terrifies me.

Why has crying become so easy. It makes me angry when I cry. I used to cry maybe once a year. But, now it's probably once a week or every other week. I hate this sensitivity crap. People seem to brush off shit so easily. I used to be that person. I used to be the heart breaker. But, now my heart is breaking. My heart is breaking from exhaustion, fear, worry, injustice, stupidity, and stubbornness.

I miss those days when you knew no matter what you did one person would be there for you. Or you had someone to run to. Now, when I need to run I look around in confusion thinking who to go to. My friends? They can only sympathize with me so much. My teachers? I won't have them next year so why prolong the love. My boyfriend? I'm tired of burdening him with so much of my own problems. Lately, my mom has been the one who knows me the best. She told me today that she's not used to me letting people bother me so much. I'm gonna stop that. I'm gonna hang up the phone and not cry anymore. I'm gonna take the snippy comment or the bitchy look and walk away and forget about it. I'm gonna let people make their mistakes and not say anything about it. If people treat me unfairly, I'm gonna laugh at you because one day you will realize that you have no one because power has consumed your whole soul.

Right now I wish I could take Soma pills. But, until scientists create a legal drug to make you happy, I'm gonna keep breathing and realize in the end people are going to hurt you but you still have yourself.

I will always be there for me and so will this rhinoceros. That gives me some hope.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Take it off

When you come home from a long pointless day of school or work the best feeling in the entire world is just taking your clothes off. It is almost as if you are released from the grasp of the terrible day or the annoying people you encountered. It feels amazing when you can finally breath and you don't have to keep pulling down your shirt when you get up. God, it feels amazing to not have your movements restricted. If I had a choice I would be in sweats and a big t-shirt every day and I would be as happy as a clam. hehe. I just pictured a clam smiling.

(now you can too)

Sunday, March 1, 2009

The first time

Today was the first dayin a very long time I actually went to church. I went because my mom said she hated going by herself, and I hate for my mom to be sad, so I felt obligated to go with her. Obligation to go to church. That's not how it should be. So, I am going to work on that this lent season.

Today I realized a few things. I realized when I sit towards the front of the church I pay more attention, but I also fear my underwear is sticking out and all the people behind me are snickering about it. I realized that the married couple who both wear gray suits, you can't really tell who wears the "pants" in the family. I hope I never become like that. I realized that I probably should go to confession, because just this past year I have done a lot of stupid stupid stupid things that I really regret. But, this is the first time I have realized that those were my mistakes and I can only grow from them. I have realized that the ability to hear silence is truly a gift from God. I realized that I want to get married in the Catholic church and I want to go through the 6 months of marriage classes like my mom did. I realized that if I was the Priest before we started saying the Our Father I would say everyone better hold hands with each other, or else, because we truly are all sons and daughters of God, and darnit hold each others hand. I realized that is truly a pet peeve of mine. I noticed that the woman who sings in the choir is starting to grow her own hair back after going through chemotherapy. That made me happy.

I have definitely realized today more than anything that I love toasted rye bread with butter on top. Oh, how it smells soooo good.