it's hard dating a Jew

I cannot pronounce Hanukkah to save my life!
oh wait, he spells it Channukah.
i just looked it up, and it could be either! what the heck!?
I'm going over to his family's house to light the menorah a few nights, and his dad sent lyrics to some songs they are going to sing for me to learn.
Oi vey.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was hard enough to learn...
AND I have to watch what I say! for example...
Me: "mmmm, doesn't it smell like Christmas?"
Elan: "i don't know what Christmas smells like, but I know what Starbucks smells like around Hanukkah/Channukah though, and if that's Christmas...then i like it!"

hehe..I hope everyone caught my sarcasm..because I really like dating a Jew...especially this Jew in particular(:

Happy Chrismikkah!
(i should steal Mitchell's shirt)

this feeling

a lot of emotions occurred this weekend. love, affection, desire, anger, frustration, depression, homesickness, happiness, complete joy, and loneliness. it was a roller coaster. but i survived. this break was just what i needed to realize a lot of things.

to my girls, you are my everything.
to my family, you're crazy..but someone has to put up with you.
to the hybrid, i miss you arleady.


pineapple is still my favorite fruit.

drivingggg

drivinggg. drivinggggggggg. i was bornnn tooooo driveee. i already made my first driving cd, and damn it's excellent.

driving at night is even better than day time. the lights are captivating.

thank you mister stevens SOOOOOOOOO much <3

note on the door

i'm pretty sure within the next ten years, i will be diagnosed as being bipolar. I wish i was joking. This disease runs in my family very heavily and it's pretty obvious why. After my roommates pageant I was so happy, I was laughing, making jokes with all my friends, but then I walked back to my room and everything changed. I have had this ongoing headache for this whole week and took the most incredible nap today, i hope i'm cured.

but anyway. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I have good friends here, i have a lot of food, i have my own bed, but gah damn i can be so unhappy sometimes. Anyway, after reading and moping around for a good hour and a half i finally get my lazy ass to take a shower. After my shower is complete, my RA (Leanna) says that she left a note on the door for me and we say goodnight and leave the restroom.

I was expecting a little hello on my whiteboard, but instead I got a handwritten note taped to my door folded up so it's only for my eyes. It asks me how i am and how my classes are. Then she says, you are not alone, if you ever need anyone I am a great listener :D

Thank you Leanna, you may have just saved a young girl from having bad dreams tonight. Sleep well my friend.

big blurr

the past few weeks have been a big blur here in san diego. but, this weekend my best friend came to stay with me. for some reason i was really nervous that she wouldn't have fun or she would be different or i wouldn't be a good host. i don't know what i was worried about. even though we had such a hectic crazy weekend running around to all these different places and seeing so many familiar faces, when it came to bedtime and it was just me and her in the twin size bed, everything slowed down. time stopped. and it was back to two little girls sharing secrets until they fall asleep.

i didn't realize how many oxford alumni are in san diego from all graduating classes. i have really grown to love this city.

why do it?

i'm very lucky to have found my little group of friends here at sdsu who are absolutely amazing influences on me. we can actually sit around and talk about politics, God, the end of the world, parallel universes, movies, literature, and not once mention a party where we got "shitfaced." i always had a problem with drinking because of my brothers, but now, i oppose it so much that it physically hurts me when i hear about how many people on a daily basis abuse this substance. why can't we enjoy drinking? don't binge drink, or just drink to get drunk. I hate alcohol because the way people use it, that doesn't mean when I'm 21 i won't drink, i actually plan on it, but please children, only a few more years to wait, what's the hurry?

maybe the black sheep just wanted to be like the blue sheep.

ouch!

moral of the story: love hurts? beauty comes with a price? can't touch pretty girls without getting an std? learn karate?

u ever feel like you are missing out on something important?

bamboo

A good friend told me that happiness takes strength, and I thought it was such a great quote. But, in actuality it is really shitty. Happiness should be easy, simple, equal, plentiful, and most of all you shouldn't have to try so hard for it.

I really miss my best friend. I really miss my sister. I really miss my mom. I really miss the feeling of eternal optimism.

4 seconds away seems like it's across the universe.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

i walk in on my roommate on top of yet another boy. i can't describe the anger i feel right now. this isn't how it's supposed to be.

please read the following childrens book

The saddest bear of all





(i need a hug)

a broken slinky

as i was taking the elevator back up to my dorm about 20 minutes ago, i literally said "holy fuck, I don't want to be here"

even though san diego is only 2 hours away, it might as well be cross country. going home and seeing family and friends made me feel so loved. i love being loved. gahhhhhhhh. Tara, you can do this.

good thing I didn't go to Chicago.




The pineapple never tasted sooooo sweet. <3

Harold and Kumar

So, yesterday was probably my biggest adventure of all time.
I hopped on the tram in the general direction of UCSD. Got off at the tram station. Asked which bus took me to University of San Diego. (see a problem?) Got on Bus 40. got off in front of USD. uh oh. wrong University. Called Amelia who came to my rescue and took me to UCSD. then spent the entire day with Priya, Vishal, Albert, and Raghav. SOOO much dang fun. never a dull moment even when we sat at a bus stop for 20 minutes till we finally realized that that bus didn't run on the weekends. Raghav didn't eat anything but a waffle all day, and Vishal only had a granola bar, so they were starving. It took us 2 hours to get to Islands, but once we got there it was sooooo worth it. We feasted like kings!!

Then we made it back to campus and explored the Graffiti hallway and found the BIG CHAIR(:

i loveddd seeing familiar faces and finally shared stories that we all could relate too.

I'm coming home next weekend!
it's been 5 weeks since i've been home. i think that's long enough for me to be an adult. here i comee mommma!!!

Sexiled

For those who read I Am Charlotte Simmons, I am reliving that book. I'm not even kidding. Except I'm not getting so depressed that I feel like I have to go to parties and meet frat boys and drink. But, besides that EVERYTHING is the same. it's crazy. The first few weeks of Charlottes life at Dupont her roommate asked her to leave the room so she could have some fun with a boy she just met. Instead of being asked, I walked in on my roommate and a boy fooling around on her bed (the boy was NOT her bf) and politely escorted my way out. Therefore I was SEXILED. the urban dictionary definition is:

	when you cannot go in your room because your roommate is having sex "man, i'm sexiled for the whole night, can i crash at your place!"

So, there I was, it was 1 o'clock in the morning and I had a class at 8 a.m. I texted my roommate saying when the coast is clear go ahead and text me because I'm down in the common area and may fall asleep. I waited until 2:30 a.m until i finally just knocked on my door and went inside to find them both SLEEPING. She didn't even have the decency to call me. hahaha.

oh college.

Tonight I won 3 games of Ninja against a group of 23 people. I AM NINJA CHAMPION!!!

what is your reality?

out on the roof of my dorms I was making a friend. He asked me how I'm liking college and all that small talk, but then he asked how I liked being in the real world?
This isn't reality to me. This is an incredible, annoying, spontaneous, sleepless, and exciting situation I'm in. But, this isn't the "real world." In the real world there is no such thing as "Thirsty Thursday" where flocks and flocks of freshmen in skanky outfits walk to a frat house. In the real world there wouldn't be ninja competitions every Tuesday night at 9 p.m. What I'm trying to get at is this whole college thing isn't the real world but instead it is it's own little world. We have created this world with its own status quo's, dress codes, and lingo.
But, I figured out how to get away from this world.
My reality is calling up Mr. Stevens and telling him how much I miss him as he brags about his completed waterfall. My reality is getting text messages from Mr. Barela and Ms. Gibb telling me that they are thinking about me. My reality is my cat biting an electrical cord and foaming from the mouth for 2 days. I know this world doesn't sound as exciting as the world I'm living in right now but I want to go back to that world. I used to say "tara is the world" but that's so silly. What a lonely life that would be.

inspired by the informant!

when polar bears are waiting by the water to grab fish they cover their black noses so they blend in with the white ice. how the helll do they know that their noses are black? do they look at other polar bears and are like, holy crap their noses are black that means mine must be too. Or do they check them self out in the reflection of the water and see their nose and automatically cover it because they know that they will be seen by the fish? polar bears are smartttt mammals.

my formal apology

I have become a lag texter.


There are people who i love the most who will text me or IM me and I will read the text, smile, think about what i should txt back, then completely forget to txt them back. It's not that I don't want to talk to you, but instead I am selfish and I wait till it's a convenient time for me to txt you back. Yet, my new friends here at SDSU get VIP treatment at my texting skills, and i don't get it. these people i have just met. I have to change that about me. From now on, i am going to pay more attention to the people I love and who love me the most. so, I'm sooo sorry.

Today my sister txted me asking if i could call her sometime tonight cuz she missed my voice. Not only did i txt her back 3 hours later, but I also forgot to call her. And when I did she was fast asleep and I woke her up. I felt so shitty. I love my sister more than anything in the world and I couldn't even step aside to give her a call?? college is really messing with my brain. I'm sorry.

I got to see anaoshak, kelsy, and nikhil this weekend. I don't think I'll ever find that good of relationships here at SDSU. But, seeing them made me miss home so much. I want to go home. I miss Willy.

Momma,

I think i'm going to be okay. i'm making friends. my room is looking better. i'm not as lonely anymore. i'm more independent. this is my whole new life.

I watch the beautiful sunset from my roof everyday. And saw a shooting star last night. Momma i miss you, but no need to worry any longer.

Love,
your baby girl

please

take me home.
i don't want to be here.





but there's nothing really to go back to.

3rd night

okay before i start to vent, first i'm going to do a pluses and minuses chart

(+)
______
practically 80% white
gorgeous men
freedom to eat what you want
sleep at anytime you want
a lot of people, so if you get sick of someone..go hang out with someone else
very good professors so far
really really nice gym andd free!


(-)
_____
boys don't acknowledge you unless you are wearing short shorts n tight shirts
campus is so huge i already have blisters on my feet
i don't have snacks
i have only met one genuinely nice guy so far, and that's cuz he has a gf and is not just trying to hook up with me
everyone is high or drunk when it hits 8:00 pm
i already arrived 30 minutes late to a class of 20 students on my first day of class
I left without saying bye (i'm so sorry, you know who you are)
my roomates boyfriend is super ugly
already had a alcohol poisoning incident, a drug bust, and an arrest just in my hall
every morning i wake up and am so angry that i'm still here

i guess that was my sort of venting...my roomate just walked in, guess it's time to go to bed.

screw college.

I am not Pro America

I made a new friend today. Her name is Michella. She has only been in America for 3 weeks and leaves Monday. After hanging out with her at the beach all day, I proceeded to ask her a million and one questions.

Michella is from Italy but works in Rome and goes to school in Rome. Me being the nerd asked her how the school system was in Rome, and she said it was awful. Since there are so many people in Rome and they don't want to decline anyone from an education, in each lecture hall there are only 70 seats for 200 students. She used to have to go to school an hour early to get a seat but now she gladly just sits on the floor for 2 hours. This made me mad.
She works at a restaurant but in the European culture, they don't tip. So, she gets noooo tip after serving like 100 tables a day. This also made me mad.
She has already bought 5 pairs of jeans cuz Levi's over there are $150 a pair. yikess..i told her to buy like 50 pairs and go black market them over in Europe..but I forgot that's kind of illegal. oh well.
I had to ask the most cliche question, and ask if the men over there are perfect? and she said, compared to here they are like Gods. hehe. she then went on to explain to me that the guys in America are nothing in comparison to her tall dark and handsome European men, which made me kind of sad...
When I asked her about the Vatican and meeting the Pope, she waved her hand, made a smug look, and said "no, not interest me."

so even though she kept saying America is the land of opportunity. I took the opportunity to say no it's not(:
Although Europe may have its flaws, I want to go there. SOOOO BADLY. I wish Michella could hide me in her suitcase

i'm a winner again

and i owe it all to you, and you, and you, and you.
my summer may have sucked, but the last few weeks i'm loving it!

hawaii in 4 days!

I looked in the mirror today, but for once it wasn't to check myself out. Instead I saw this scared scrawny 18 year old girl using all of her strength to hold upright an 88 year old naked woman in her arms. The used to be bright excited eyes of the 18 year old went stone cold when she realized that this woman trusted her with her body and her safety.












...when I don't even trust myself.

hello again

I met an old friend yesterday. At first I didn't know how to greet this friend. Should I hug him? Should I act like nothing has changed and just embrace the fellow? Should I start asking questions and wonder where he went without contacting me? Should I be angry and reject this friend?
But, then I realized, that this friend makes me feel so good about myself. This friend compliments me and makes sure there is a permanent smile on my face. This friend always always made sure I had a good day. The past two nights my old friend has helped me sleep so well, I just want to thank him.
Oh Mr. Happiness, don't leave me ever again.

like a movie

After going to SDSU orientation and being split up into our majors, I respectfully introduced myself to the girl next to me. Her name was Hannah. After the seminar we went our separate ways thinking nothing more of each other. After everything was done and we were to meet back up with our parents my mom introduced me to an aunt i haven't seen in 14 years. Then walks up Hannah the girl I sat next to, we say hello then it clicks. SHE'S MY COUSIN. We gave each other veryyy confused looks then we embraced in a ginormous hug, one that you give to people who you haven't seeen in a veryyyy long time, and accepted this new relationship without another question.
Then I realized, I have a beautiful, smart, non partying cousin who is going to my school!! This is a great great start. It should be a movie(:

Big Purple Chair

Secrets were shared, Anger was expressed, Advice was given, Laughter was heard all while sitting in the big purple chair. A new lifelong friendship was created(:

reoccuring dream

I keep having this dream that there is a huge tidal wave coming toward my village and the funny thing is i'm not scared at all. In fact I am so excited. I think they are beautiful. I just grip onto the nearest pole or house or anything and just let it wash right past me. I survive the tidal wave(:

my interests

I think the best form of hanging out is laying beneath a tree and reading a book. You don't need to talk. There is no form of gossip or worry.

so if anyone would like to join me next time, just let me know(:

mulan

As I sat at dinner, I realized that I was looking at a clear reflection of me. This beautiful smart young lady. But, she wasn't happy. It seemed that she hadn't felt happiness in a long time. Her smile lasted a few seconds but then faded away. He would try and make her happy, but it looked hopeless. As I sat and stared at my plate of food that looked absolutely amazing, I lost my appetite. I wanted my reflection to be happy, because then maybe just maybe I would somehow be happy.

I'm not going to parties/hangouts/grad parties where there are a lot of high school peers anymore. I graduated from high school and one thing I am happy about is that I don't have to see certain people who I don't like everyday anymore. I don't do well in groups. I feel even more alone.

Today at the beach, it was ridiculously crowded and as I laid my towel down, I just felt self conscious. I didn't like it. Even as I tried to tune everyone out, I still felt like everyone could hear my thoughts and my insecurities.

I don't like people, and I'm okay with that.

lifelong friends

There are certain people in my life that no matter what I do, no matter how I look, no matter how I feel they will always be my friends. I am so lucky to have them. I want to keep them around me as long as possible.

Sitting with Ms. Gibb and Michael today at lunch, I didn't want the time to end. We were laughing till we were crying and we didn't care that people were looking at us. I'm going to miss them so much next year. These are the memories I will hold onto when I have a bad day, or I feel alone in college. I will remember that I have people like them in my life that I can always run back to or call up when I feel awful.

Thank you friends, all of you.

I heard her in the kitchen

I heard her in the kitchen.
The clock showed 5:45
as orange juice was being poured
and eggs were being cooked.

She used to be selfish,
self-centered.
Now she's puts herself second.
Her sleep comes after his,
even if they go to bed at the same time.

I heard her in the bedroom.
The clock showed 6:00
as she woke up her man.
She whispered to me,
"he's not happy."
That was my cue to act like I was asleep.
Didn't want to be a bother.

Back in the kitchen,
bacon was sizzling.
She cooked meat.
She didn't eat meat,
but she cooked it.
For him.

She was proving to him that she was capable,
of being a wife,
a mother,
a fantastic girlfriend.
She was proving to me that she was capable,
of being an adult,
a cook,
a sister to look up to.
She proved to herself that she was capable.

I heard her in the kitchen,
hushing her kitten,
telling him not to bother Daddy.
I knew in a couple years,
I would be hearing the same thing.
Hushing her little baby.

I heard her kiss him goodbye,
hoping that that one kiss would last 10 hours.
I laid with my eyes closed,
as she went back into the kitchen,
poured herself a glass of orange juice,
and started the dishes.

My 4th of July

quotes to remember..
"TARA! Last night I had a night dream!"
"And then there was this big herd coming toward us, and there was Fairooz"
"It's Purple Rain Bitches"
"If anyone wanted to piss off America they would tamper with fireworks on the 4th of July"
"That smoke cloud is in the shape of a penis!"

Huntington Beach is thee place to be on 4th of July. I will make it a tradition. Bike riders took up entire car lanes that the cars could not get around us. Drunk people in red white and blue sat on the house walls cheering each time someone honked at them. Random water balloons flew out of the air attempting to hit the nearby pedestrian. So much noise, so much drinking, so much joy, so manyy people! It didn't matter where you sat on the beach to watch the fireworks, but being with 4 of the most fun people in the world I knew I had the best seat in the house. I was completely mesmerized for the entire 30 minutes of the firework show. And going back to Hauge's and baking brownies and drinking milk I couldn't have asked for a better ending.

My 4th of July beats your 4th of July(=

check out these songs

SONGS OF THE SUMMER!

I am only writing them down so I don't forget them. Listen. To be continued....

Drake - Best I've Ever Had
Black Eyed Peas - Missing You
Black Eyed Peas - I gotta feeling
Black Eyed Peas - Imma Be
Keri Hilson - Knock You Down
Young Boss - Shooting Star
Eric Prydz - Call on Me (don't recommend this video..but b/c i say this..i know some will watch)
Damien Rice- Cannonball


favorite lyrics:
"And I don't think you're beautiful
I think you're beyond it" Lil Wayne - Every Girl

The eggshell has finally cracked

I have absolutely no idea what the hell I am doing right now. Have you ever accidentally cracked an egg in your hand and the yolk spilled through your fingers, and you feel disgusting while the yellowness oozes down your palm? I haven't either, but just imagining it makes me cringe.
Right now I'm typing with my head down because I don't want to look at the words that obviously show my insecurites. My head is down because I have gone through so many realizations in less than 2 weeks. ANd I don't think I can handle anymore of them.
How does it feel when you realize that someone who you thought was so perfect turned out to be nothing but imperfect.? He will always be my mentor but there is a part of me that knows I can't listen and believe to every word he says and that hurts so much to come to that realization.
The fact that I thought someone else could actually make me happy. I have never been more wrong in my life. And then on top of that, realizing how wonderful love really is. It can make someone hike 10 extra miles for you But, only to make the trip worse, realizing that it was only a front that love created. I couldn't sleep that night. I knew u were happy, but I was so far from happy and I didn't have the courage to turn over and tell you. That's not love, that's cowardliness.
You told me to find peace. Yet I found more hatred and anger and lies and deceptions then I could have ever found in all my years of high school. And all of those words threw up all over me in less than 6 days.
I didn't know love could hurt more than hatred or anger. combined.
Our rest of our lives was determined in a small hot box with 62 minutes on the clock. no more than that. You should've sewn the note you wrote to my chest, so then I wouldn't have to explain to anyone, and everyone would've heard your story.
I don't want to go to college. i don't want to meet new people. i don't want ppl to walk into my room smoking a bong and I don't even blink an eye. I want my life complete and my career set already. I want to skip the next 4 years of my life, just haven't exactly figured out how to yet.
Today my mom told me to smile less. Well her wish will be granted.

"only girl in years"

Is life really made up of moments of fate where everything happens for a reason? if so, then how come I feel like I am missing out on so many of those moments.

When it comes down to it, does happiness really depend on the timing of everything?

Why are there so many opportunities available now to be happy and I am missing them. Does that mean my fate is messed up? do I even believe in fate? if everything happens for a reason, and i keep following this path, then I don't want this fate. I want to trade my destiny with someone else's. "I want him to be in the equation" of my destiny but that's not the case and I can't do anything about it.

"Why do I have to do the right thing" while doing the ABSOLUTE wrong thing? "fuck this."

If only you knew.

"I am numb." I am going to miss you destiny.

That's when I lost my head

my mind is screaming how angry I am, but my heart says otherwise.

When it comes to relationships, is it safe to listen to your heart and not your mind?

Dear Teachers and Staff

You better call me when you come to San Diego and you can try and convince me to join a Sorority. 

I have the letter you wrote me under my bed. It was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you. 

I was so excited when I read that, but now I look back and it's just like everyone else's. I thought I was special. 

I am not scared anymore.  Thank you so much. 

You said you loved me. You kissed me on the cheek. You embraced me, just like a proud parent. 

You not being at graduation left a void, an emptiness in my heart and a picture that should have been there. 

You look beautiful in any color. 

You used to be my role model. You used to be someone I respected and would talk to. I wanted what you had. But, now I know that you aren't even really happy and you have shared that with me, and I don't even want to visit you when I come back. 

Your final hug you gave me was the tightest squeeze and you told me this wasn't a goodbye. Enjoy Utah!

Your inspiring words and goodbye speech left me feeling breathless. I love you. 

If only I was better. But, nonetheless if I ever become a teacher I can only dream of becoming half as intelligent and witty as you. 

If I ever become a teacher, I will do everything you failed to do. I promise. 

Dreams

So after getting home at 6 am, i had to sleep on the couch cuz my brother was in my bed, but that's okay. I instantly fell asleep but awoke about an hour and a half later completely terrified. I heard a bird screamminggg and flapping for its life, and all i could imagine while my eyes were closed was that one of my kitties got a hold of Fergie, my pet parakeet, and they were going to kill it. I finally sat up and looked to where the noise was comming from and it was Willy slowly killing a baby baby bird. It was so helpless and horrible looking I jumped over the couch, ran into my room, told my brother to go clean it up, and finally fell back to sleep.

But, i think that bird messed with my mind, because the dreams that came after that were SOOOOO bizarre. I actually woke myself up after some of it cuz i didn't like em...and i wrote everything down in my cell phone of what I could remember. So, i am going to share my dreams with you. P.S. I have no idea what anything means, and a lot of it doesn't connect, these are just tid bits i remember:

Kathleen got "sex's" crossed out tattoooed to her stomach. It was like a no drinking sign, but the word "sex's" was x-ed out.

Each graduate got their very own brick to put in the senior square, but Mrs. Smith kept reminding us that if one of the teachers died, because she knew they would, we were not able to change what we wrote on the brick.

I fell asleep during the hypnosis show, so the guy decided to take advantage of it and made me do all the wacky stuff, and i couldn't wake up.

Jake cheated in school and had to repay the school by running around and doing ridiculous errands for everyone, even the students. I felt really bad for him, so I took him to a meeting that let him talk about his addictiveness to cheat and mellissa and april were there, and i just remember hating them, because they were distracting Jake from his meeting.

While driving with Mr. Stevens, Alex was in the backseat, and we drove down a street that there was a KKK parade. I told Mr. Stevens I was scared, but he was determined to go through the street cuz it was a shortcut. The road was blocked so we had to walk outside. Some crazy white woman was shooting everywhere and spelling ARCO into the wall and shot Alex. I got so scared I forced myself to wake up.

After waking up for a bit, I fell back asleep and had one more dream.

There was this partyish thing over someone's house and Matt Schrader was there. I went up to him to start asking about SDSU and how he liked it. *In my dream it seemed like I had liked him for a long time..but i swear i don't. Anyway, I kept talking to him and trying to flirt with him and he invited me to a football game at SDSU.

UGH. i wish i knew what this all meant. It seems like a lot of it connected with friends, graduation, and my future. I'm so excited for everything that is soon to happen. The hugs i received the past few days have made up for every crappy night or day at Oxford.

oh the dreams i dream.

that was the best text ever

thank you so much.

i love you and your family.

6 more days

no cares in the world.
tonight felt like summerr!

6 more dayssssss, and nothing's gonna bring me down!!!

I don't like

feeling that my blog is going to judge me/get mad at me/question me on what I write. I know this is insane, but I actually feel that if I wrote exactly what was on my mind, my blog would be offended. Perhaps furious. I don't like that. I want a place where I can share my feelings freeeely, and not be a burden. I want to thank my right brain for that. She always allows me to complain to her.

Just look away, and smile. Soon enough I will be staring at the floor, lying to myself how beautiful it is and giving false information on why I'm examining the floor.

I'm gonna stop. I don't wanna. But I'm gonna!

There is so much more out there then you could even imagine.

But, sitting here with my kitty in my lap, kissing her nose every few minutes, is where I want to be right now.

p.s. above allllll, don't ever ever ever be envious of THAT. if you want to turn into THAT, go ahead, but you will find out that THAT is not THAT great. yuck.

haha

you make me question all of my used to be certainties.

i guess this was your motive

Let's seeeee

if 3rd time is a charm. 

One last Interp

I am going to miss Speech and Debate.

I regret only competing in 3 tournaments this year. I know I moved up a rank with my NFL points, but damn, I should have tried harder. I owe Nancy so much. She will forever be my mentor. She is the only one who saw a hint of talent in me, and made me persevere. It makes me so angry when her daughter disrespects her, because she does so much for everyone, I don't know how she got stuck with such a rude child.

I know my team is made up of some of the most disliked people in our class, but when we all come together, I feel this bond between them. It's unexplainable. No one knows how much frikken work and energy you have to put towards this team, and yes it turns people into arrogant, cocky, Republicans it seems like, but it wouldn't be the same without them.

This is the one true extracurricular that has forever shaped my thinking.

I'm going to miss wearing my suit, being so nervous before each speech, hearing Nancy's encouraging words, weeekend long tournaments, and all the people I met.

Where is...

...my helicopter?
the pilot who once steered the propellers in the right direction.
..the toothpick?
that the gentleman swallowed and tore his insides.
...the eraser?
I may have used it all up, and only have the lead left.
...my remote control?
it seems like all the buttons are sticky and won't change the channel.
...my bathrobe?
you have to realize that baths don't solve your problems.
...my flashlight?
my used to be guide in a dark room.
...the megaphone?
so i can shout to the world how angry ___ ___ sometimes.
...Waldo?
It was so easy to find him when I was 8 years old, but I guess I'm losing my eyesight.

the golden goblet

so, i had a chance to grab the golden goblet the other day. yet, i didn't take the opportunity. why not? is a common question asked by all the rest of the knights, and as i think of it, i have no plausible reason. the only ones i can think of sound like excuses. it was in grasp. rightttt there. no boundaries. no sin. no nothing. yet. i slipped. i watched myself float away from this beautiful specimen of enlightenment and knowledge. i want the golden goblet. and i'm gonna get it! 

(:

it seems like others were able to reach the golden goblet. and i don't like to be beaten. when is it my turn? 

Commencement Speech

"to do is to be" - nietzsche
"to be is to do" - kant
"do be do be do" - sinatra
only your song matters in the end

starting from zero got nothing to lose

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

this is the only song that has been running through my head lately. i want to drive soooooo farr. and just cruiseee. i loveeee driving!!

He kept his word

I received this email from alazypersian@gmail.com on October 9th 2006.

"ill make you fall in love with me again

watch"


Although reading this again, it sounds more of a threat then a passionate promise, it sent chills down my spine to realize that the boy I'm in love with right now was the one who wrote this three years ago.

and 5 months into our new and improved relationship i'm so happy he never gave up on his love for me. I'm so lucky.

I love you Anaoshak. Happy Anniversary.

Patrick Swayze, I want you.

it's funny how

this used to be all that you ever wanted.





oh, how times have changed.

what i do in VE

PUZZZLES!!

Quote from my Uncle regarding the end of the world

As far as the end of the world goes, that references god-fearing christian apocalyptic scary-tales from pre-literate, pre-scientific sheep herders who hadn't the faintest idea of how the world worked, and probably thought lightening and thunder the voice of Zeus/Jesus/Dionysus/Athena or whatever. Gods come and gods go. I don't believe in the end of the world. Or, in the immortal words of Royce O. Dixon, "the world ends when I die."

I guess I don't fear the end of the world, since it apparently has already ended.
RIP Grandpa

Do I have to hold a sign over my head..

that flashes big bright fucking lights?

MEOW

meow meow. meow this. and meow that. if you are having a bad day, just meow!
a meow may get some looks, but then just meow in their face. have you heard? that meow is the word.


MEOWW!!!!

plllllllllllease Tara

justt go for it, and don't look back.

night

Night is a very strange thing. I seem to be less happy at night for reasons beyond my understanding.

It's the time when people are sleeping or dreaming of sleeping or dreaming while their sleeping. Or people could be up all night saying they are sleeping but in actuality they are daydreaming when they really should be sleepdreaming. That probably makes no sense.

Night is the time to catch up, to relax, to cleanse yourself, to eat randomly because you are bored. I don't think any other time of day requires so many activities. Night enables sleep, fear, worry, frustration, paranoia, and other absurd feelings you may think of right when you lay your head down on your pillow.

I like light not dark. Yet I love sleeping. Maybe that's why I love naps because then I have sleeping with the sun out and those are my two favorite things.

I don't want to go to bed, but my sister keeps pestering me about my typing. I don't like sharing a room with her.

Goodnight my friends who cannot sleep all over the world.
(one in particular)

frustration

I learned a lot about myself and others these past few days.

I am going to college not for the parties or the people. I could care less if I only make a few close friends. I don't want to be invited to parties, that doesn't intrigue me at all.

People dissapoint me. Even the people I love the most dissapoint me, and it makes it even harder to accept. I guess you can only trust yourself, and promise yourself you won't dissapoint yourself. If that makes any sense. It just makes me so mad to have that mentality.

I have realized since I have been through so much shit through my life already, it can only get better. I will be able to control what I do with my time, money, and love. I have felt alone, I have been deceived, I have been so low, but I won't allow it anymore. There is so much to life and it' s only up to you to live it up.

I have become very cynical towards people and situations. I haven't given up on them yet, but I have just grown more aware. More aware of the ugliness.

at school

i am here. at school. My head hurts, I wish it would go away.

i learned a lot of things today. made me really sad. i hope they change.

this anticipation is truly killing me. all i can think about is ripping open the letter. hoping to god that "congratulations" is the first word I see.

athena just walked in! now i have someone to talk to (=


yay friends.


p.s. if i'm not at school tomorrow i did not get into chapman.

I HOPE TO SEE YOU TOMORROW.

Today

Today I did not tie my hair back when the wind was blowing in my face. 

Today I screamed all the wrong words to all the right songs. 

Today I threw an orange peel at my best friend. 

Today I said hello to more doggies than people. 

Today I had on a banana bikini, a banana shirt, and yellow sandals. 

Today I did not let the future even enter my thought. 

Today I allowed the berzey wind to breeze over my body and refused to put a jacket on. 

Today I ate the most delicious icecream. 

Today I went to the beach. 

Today I was free. Free from worry. Free from this constant suffocation that I can't seem to handle lately. Free from this shitty week. Free from everything. 

What will tomorrow bring me? 

Brandon Heath - Give Me Your Eyes

Color is everything

Have you ever stopped to appreciate the colors around you? I'm sitting in my dark room right now, but I still see the silvery yellowish light rays piercing through my mini-blinds. Or when Willy lays outside on my porch his orange eyes radiate against the shining sun and makes his entire body have a golden glow. The color of the yellow tulips as they awaken in spring time filling not only the world with color but also my heart as my pupils grow larger trying to take in all of the beauty. Or when Mogley is taking a nap on my sisters bed and his jet black fur blends in with the sheets, and I accidently sit on him because I didn't notice he was there. His dark color is so beautiful, that I can see one tiny piece of white fuzz on his black coat in an instant.

What I'm trying to say, what would the world be like if we had no color, or if we saw no color.

Above all, more than death itself, I would fear to be blind. I think that's why I hate eyeballs so much. When people put eye drops in, it makes me cringe, because our eyes are so precious they are the portals into another world, and it hurts me to see anything drop into them and never to return. Also, our eyes are so delicate, so vulnerable to anything that I want to shield my eyes from everything. I remember when I was doing an art project back in 4th grade and I had to use glitter. I had glitter on my hands and I rubbed my e yes and got a few specks of glitter in my right eye. My stupid sister proceeded to freak out because she just learned that glitter was actually little specks of glass. As I tried to splash water into my eyes and get the shards out and it didn't work, I started to hyperventilate, told my mom to take me to the emergency, and began to cry. Within a few moments of my near heart attack, the tears actually carried the little speckles right out of my eyes. Tears are quite powerful.

Anyway, the reason I am really writing this blog, is because my mom was diagnosed with Glaucoma which is an eye disease. Luckily, as long as she takes eye drops everyday she will not lose her peripheral vision and eventually go blind. But, the eye drops will make my mother's once beautiful light green eyes that were the attention grabbers and compliment getters turn to a dull brown color. This broke my moms heart.

I am here

I am here. I am in the safe zone. I don't want to let anyone in who hasn't been there before. I am in my own little safe zone. I feel safe here. I know what tomorrow brings me. I know what the next week brings me. Every 2 weeks I know what to expect. Every single God given day I know what will be there for me. Those hugs bring me to safety. Those kisses protect. Those familiar faces are my shield.

But is this bubble I have created for myself really healthy? It's not like me. I have always been the one to be spontaneous and stupid, and wild, and not know what the next day will bring. Is this good? Am I satisfied? Am I becoming like my sister, and if a routine is broken then I will cry about it? I hate routines. Too much memorization. Too many boundaries and restrictions.

Lately, something has been missing in my life. But, I don't want to leave my little safe zone to go and find it. Maybe, that's what college is for. To branch out of the familiar zone that you have created for yourself, and go into the hazard zone. But, I don't want to. I love this zone. This zone is my friend. Well at least I think it is. Lately, I have been second guessing myself. I hate that. It really is a flaw in me.

I hate this feeling.

Dammit

The egg is cracking.

Slowly, but surely.

Dammit, how do I make it stop?

Bora Bora

I wanna be there. Not here.

I fear for you,

my dream has come true.

think think think about it

There are so many answers to this question. Let's start with my college application choices. I would have applied to NYU or Harvard if I knew I would get in. I would have tried harder in speech and debate because I knew I would have been a winner in the end. I know this is really cliche but, the first thing that popped to my head is I would run for presidency. Although, I don't think Presidents end up getting the respect they deserve, so I would rather be on Senate.

I hate how failure is always in the back of your mind. If it is either by a lover or a friend. I used to be a winner. I used to think like a winner. But, now I kind of like my own line of thinking. I mean we are all good at something, some people are much much much better singers than me, but that doesn't mean I can't' attempt to sing. Some people are just better test takers, but that doesn't mean I am not as smart as they are. Well, if you think about it, an attempt is never a fail, it's just an attempt. Live once. Carpe diem.

We are Knights of the Round Table

Medieval Times. BYAHHHHHHHHHH.

I want to change something

about me.

I want to stop being so sensitive. I want to be secure about everything. I want to be secure about you, my friends, my family, my future and myself. But, none of those I have security with. There are bigger and better things out there. Better than me. Bigger than me. And, everyone seems to get a hold of these things, but not me.

In sequel to kimly's blog, I am terrified. I really am. Things I want so badly to happen I fear never will. I keep saying things, and all of you used to say yes, yes, we will. But, now you hesitate. That hesitation terrifies me.

Why has crying become so easy. It makes me angry when I cry. I used to cry maybe once a year. But, now it's probably once a week or every other week. I hate this sensitivity crap. People seem to brush off shit so easily. I used to be that person. I used to be the heart breaker. But, now my heart is breaking. My heart is breaking from exhaustion, fear, worry, injustice, stupidity, and stubbornness.

I miss those days when you knew no matter what you did one person would be there for you. Or you had someone to run to. Now, when I need to run I look around in confusion thinking who to go to. My friends? They can only sympathize with me so much. My teachers? I won't have them next year so why prolong the love. My boyfriend? I'm tired of burdening him with so much of my own problems. Lately, my mom has been the one who knows me the best. She told me today that she's not used to me letting people bother me so much. I'm gonna stop that. I'm gonna hang up the phone and not cry anymore. I'm gonna take the snippy comment or the bitchy look and walk away and forget about it. I'm gonna let people make their mistakes and not say anything about it. If people treat me unfairly, I'm gonna laugh at you because one day you will realize that you have no one because power has consumed your whole soul.

Right now I wish I could take Soma pills. But, until scientists create a legal drug to make you happy, I'm gonna keep breathing and realize in the end people are going to hurt you but you still have yourself.

I will always be there for me and so will this rhinoceros. That gives me some hope.

Take it off

When you come home from a long pointless day of school or work the best feeling in the entire world is just taking your clothes off. It is almost as if you are released from the grasp of the terrible day or the annoying people you encountered. It feels amazing when you can finally breath and you don't have to keep pulling down your shirt when you get up. God, it feels amazing to not have your movements restricted. If I had a choice I would be in sweats and a big t-shirt every day and I would be as happy as a clam. hehe. I just pictured a clam smiling.

(now you can too)

The first time

Today was the first dayin a very long time I actually went to church. I went because my mom said she hated going by herself, and I hate for my mom to be sad, so I felt obligated to go with her. Obligation to go to church. That's not how it should be. So, I am going to work on that this lent season.

Today I realized a few things. I realized when I sit towards the front of the church I pay more attention, but I also fear my underwear is sticking out and all the people behind me are snickering about it. I realized that the married couple who both wear gray suits, you can't really tell who wears the "pants" in the family. I hope I never become like that. I realized that I probably should go to confession, because just this past year I have done a lot of stupid stupid stupid things that I really regret. But, this is the first time I have realized that those were my mistakes and I can only grow from them. I have realized that the ability to hear silence is truly a gift from God. I realized that I want to get married in the Catholic church and I want to go through the 6 months of marriage classes like my mom did. I realized that if I was the Priest before we started saying the Our Father I would say everyone better hold hands with each other, or else, because we truly are all sons and daughters of God, and darnit hold each others hand. I realized that is truly a pet peeve of mine. I noticed that the woman who sings in the choir is starting to grow her own hair back after going through chemotherapy. That made me happy.

I have definitely realized today more than anything that I love toasted rye bread with butter on top. Oh, how it smells soooo good.

Please watch the whole thing. You won't regret it!

I have the best Sadies Date

(He said yes!)

special thanks to Kimly for the commentary and when it came to Mr. Ramirez she sure did keep the camera on him! hahah. also to Mr. Stevens giving the clue at the wrong time. Oh ya, and for Mr. O proving that he sure doesn't know how to use his I-Phone! hehehee.

best high school memory

Mr. Hoshi took Ms. Chai's silver umbrella and started tap dancing while twirling the umbrella around. Then he started singing "Singing in the Rain" as he continued to tap dance and twirl the umbrella alllll around the main office as Ms. Gibb, Mrs. Erkenbrack, Ms. Chai, and I was his audience. We applauded after an amazing 3 minute spontaneous performance.

I am going to miss Oxford so much.

Mr. Valentine

After writing 8 Valentine cards to some of the most special people in my life, I realized how lucky I am. Cheesy poems that start with Roses are Red, Violets are Blue really do signify my love for each and everyone of you. Hand made cards with heart stickers still make me smile.
Pretty much, I love being in love and I love to be loved. I love those tight hugs and those beautiful smiles, I love those big butts and loud music. I love those corny jokes and nap buddies. I love red velvet cake and reading a book. Oh, how much I love reading. But, most of all I love my Romeo in the red bow tie. Because he is my true Valentine.

It's my BIRTHDAY!

these 3 beautiful beautiful words came screeeching out my mouth probably about 103 times on Sunday February 8th, 2009.

When Mr. Stevens insulted me.
When Anaoshak couldn't get the ring off my finger.
When Mr. O took my hiking backpack down from the car.
When Siena wouldn't give me a lifesaver.
When Jake sent me a rude txt.
When my Mom didn't want to take me to the bank.
AND last but not leastt SHOUTING it on the top of my lungs when Anaoshak wanted me to walk through a puddle.

It's impressive how much better people treat you when you say it's your birthday. I mean I am treated quite well.. BUT YOU GET THINGS on your birthday for no reason. really shouldn't my mom be receiving the gifts? she did all the work 18 years ago, not me. I just brought her pain when I was backwards inside her belly. But i'm not complaining(:

I had 3 birthdays in 1 year. I don't know if many people can say that.

Saturday:
The best boyfriend in the whole world took me to CASPIAN which is an exotic Persian restaurant. It was my dream come true. Attractive middle eastern men everywhere, with my very own prince across the table from me. We had belly dancers and the most delicious food known to all white Americans. Then we walked out onto this lake and sat down under the overhang while it drizzled above us. I was with him at midnight(= i love him so much.
Sunday:
Hike hike hike. cupcakesss from my best friendd. we hiked INSIDE clouds. Mr. Stevens is my hero. I love that man. It was an easy hike for my birthday(: I took a nap with my boyfriend. Then had a family party with cake and icecream and 18 candles. (I lit them myself) hehehe. Then barnes and noble in my sophisticated magenta trench coat and finishing off the day with pick up stix.
I had a nightmare that night. But, we wont talk about that.
Monday:
OHOP! original pancake house. It was delicious, a perfect day to have banana pancakes while it was raining outside. Yes, the song did influence my pancake choice. Then movies with my best friends in the entire world. Ladies, each of you mean soooo much to me in your own special way, it's incredible. Thank you for spending the day with me.

Tara is a very lucky 18 year old. Not because she can now smoke, have sex, and doesn't have a curfew. But, because she has a one of a kind boyfriend, impeccable friends, and received 51 facebook notifications the day of her birthday. Not to mention all the cards I received from my family and relatives that pretty much say I am amazing.


Happy Birthday Tara!

Cats don't like Rain BUT I do!

I turn 18

in 4 days!

Beauty Expo

I am not edgy. I don't spend hours doing my hair every morning. I don't have a random streak of pink in my hair. I don't wear 4 inch heels. My makeup is simple. Do I even have a style?

All the people who walked through the beauty expo had a fashion statement that they were trying to make, ranging from the gay guy in leopard spotted heels, to the two girls with rainbow colored hair.

It was a museum of beautiful people. Wow, there really are a lot of beautiful people out in the world. I didn't believe that. But, girls there is a huge competition, so I better start creating a style of my own.

But for now, I am happy with my simple brown hair, my mediocre makeup skills, my small makeup bag, my sandals, and my lanky arms.

p.s. The entire time I fantasized about cutting my hair like Victoria Beckam except leave one strand long and dye it pink. The rest of my hair would be brown and purple. I would straighten it everyday and I would wear deep purple and pink makeup with metallic leggings and 4 inch heels.

Now that would make a statement.

This is why I love my Gay Uncle

Hi Pickles:

How were finals?

Enosha is so cute. You have excellent taste, my child.

Love,

Mike Dixon

My Uncle Told Me

To change my major to Mathematics.



Thank you Anaoshak for saving me.

This is what Finals Week does to me.

Dear Tara,

So, you know this is finals week coming up. Why aren't you nervous? you know that two of your grades are on borderline. Don't you want to prove to yourself you can get an A in Calculus? You cannot disappoint Mr. Viramontes. And then what about Government class. I mean come on, why in the hell don't you understand the U.S. govt? You studied Federalism for a good month, and I bet if I asked you what it is, you still wouldn't know, would you? Haha. All I want from you is a B+ on that test. It's going to be very hard for you to get a B in that class, but you're better than a C. Just know that. As for English, you already screwed up your Synthesis paper, you better not screw up this final. You need to study your literary terms.

I am only scolding you, because I want you to know that it is up to you and your motivation to study and do well, no one elses. You only have 1 more week of this semester. Dammit, you can do it.

P.S. get breakfast every day. It makes you so happy.

Best wishes,

Your Brain




Dear Mister Brain,

My friends are going to think I am crazy for posting this, but I will talk to you anyway. I will get an A in Calculus. End of story. I will try my hardest to get a B in governement. Ms. You believes in me. Every T.A. period I will study. When it comes to English, I have already kicked myself hard enough about my crappy Synthesis paper, so we are not going to think about that. And I'm sorry I do not find words like antithesis or paradox very interesting.

Yes, it is up to me and only me to pass these tests. I just wish sometimes I was one of those students who did not have to study and still pass. Man, I will never be one of those kids.

P.S. I have no idea what federalism is. But I do love Poptarts.

Your Slightly Confused,

Tara

Senior Year

Homecoming Game.
Homecoming Court.
Mr. Stevens.
Pretty flowers.
Pretty people.
Winter Formal.
In n Out
Dancing.
Flowing Dresses.
Crowns.
Tiaras.
Sashes.
Heels&Tux.
Late Night.
ROADTRIP.
Windy Roads.
A Street.
Pie&Icecream.
Senior Year.

I have this weird feeling that everything is gonna be okay. I have my high school sweetheart back in my arms. I love my friends more than anything. I'm going to hawaii. I will get into college. Everything just finally feels right.

never again

I was defeated today. Mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Never again will I lose myself to self pity.

TODAY

Lately, I have felt inadequate.
I can't ski. I can't snowboard. I can't cook. I suck at math. I suck at shooting games. I suck at school. I can't sing. I definitely can't dance. I can't play an instrument. I can't even spell the word can't easily because my keyboard is messed up so every time I write an apostrophe it comes out as ''''''''''''''' AND I have to delete those extra 15. BUT.

TODAY, I felt accomplished! I felt adequate. I felt snow down my back. And I felt fear. I tasted fear. I saw fear in the eyes of the hiker who was flailing down the mountain. Who had absolutely no control over himself, but mother nature took its course and luckily padded him with a nice white blanket to stop his fall. I love blankets.

We all looked so good today with our backpacks and boots our beanies and windbreakers, and can't forget our one pair of $15 dollar socks. But, of course, I wore bright colored Barela toe socks. Worked perfectly and kept me happy every time I looked down.

Hiking in the snow keeps me entertained, keeps me cold AND hot. Adds fear and extra excitement. Allows Mr. Cullinane to write Rachel Smells in the snow, and give a perfect camera opportunity to Mr. Ontiveros. It allows ICE CHUNK fights, snow DEMONS, and best of all BURLEYLANCHES.

I also learned, that if you fall in snow, you don't feel as stupid as when you fall in dirt. Either that or it just doesn't hurt as much.

Today, I was a hiker. I have been iniated into this secret society where we all wear silly hats! literally. because I am thinking about Mr. Stevens hat right now. hehehehe

wow.


p.s Athena comes back to school tomorrow, just more of a reason to wake up in the morning.

Story of My life

Someone asked me my life story, but I refused to tell them because I hope to one day publish it and make millions.

Epic Campaign

We can be a secret society. And no one else can join, unless they wear funny hats!

I had an absolutely fantastic day. No, let's say, the last 3 days. 3 Magnormously fun days. Definition of magnormous is magnificient and enormous combined, I was referring to Alex's butt when I came up with this word. Anyway.

I got to spend new years with my Persian. Best New Years to date.

Spent all day at the Ontivero's home and even though exhausted from the night before, they gave me energy that I didnt think I had. They are truly an amazing family. That is such an understatement that I am ashamed there is no stronger word to express my love for this family.

Thank you Ontivero's family for making me miss you well before I graduate.

Then today I went sledding! But, the funny thing is it was driving for a good 5 hours, eating for 2 hours, walking for an hour, and then sledding for maybe 45 minutes? goshh. it was SOO darn fun. I had to share a seat belt with BRANDDONN VARGOOO. (kimly I am saying his name like he says my name but only you will understand this reference)
This trip helped me realize... I kinda do like rap music if it has a story to tell. I realized that I unintentially hurt someone I care so much about now, and that I was stupid, and I'm sorry. I realized that sometimes a friend just needs to figure out how to treat a best friend, and no matter how you treat me now I will still be there for you when you need me. I realized that singing 'Jesse's gonna put you in a log cabin" all day, never gets old. I realized that sledding down a hill with someone is 1000x more fun then doing it alone. I realized eating in n out outside in the cold but with friends never tasted sooo good. I realized that sometimes you have to hold on for dear life when you go down a slippery slope, close your eyes, and laugh when you fall off then climb back up the hill and try again.
p.s. i realized after listening to Just Dance 14 times, i am still not sick of the song.

THEN!!! Alex's hangout bonfire. Man, rachels horrific drum playing, kimlys amazing singing, alex's fish feet, and priyas rhythm deficiency truly made my evening fantastic. Fantastic.

W E T H E B E S T DJ KHALED! we the best!