Monday, June 29, 2009

The eggshell has finally cracked

I have absolutely no idea what the hell I am doing right now. Have you ever accidentally cracked an egg in your hand and the yolk spilled through your fingers, and you feel disgusting while the yellowness oozes down your palm? I haven't either, but just imagining it makes me cringe.
Right now I'm typing with my head down because I don't want to look at the words that obviously show my insecurites. My head is down because I have gone through so many realizations in less than 2 weeks. ANd I don't think I can handle anymore of them.
How does it feel when you realize that someone who you thought was so perfect turned out to be nothing but imperfect.? He will always be my mentor but there is a part of me that knows I can't listen and believe to every word he says and that hurts so much to come to that realization.
The fact that I thought someone else could actually make me happy. I have never been more wrong in my life. And then on top of that, realizing how wonderful love really is. It can make someone hike 10 extra miles for you But, only to make the trip worse, realizing that it was only a front that love created. I couldn't sleep that night. I knew u were happy, but I was so far from happy and I didn't have the courage to turn over and tell you. That's not love, that's cowardliness.
You told me to find peace. Yet I found more hatred and anger and lies and deceptions then I could have ever found in all my years of high school. And all of those words threw up all over me in less than 6 days.

I didn't know love could hurt more than hatred or anger. combined.
Our rest of our lives was determined in a small hot box with 62 minutes on the clock. no more than that. You should've sewn the note you wrote to my chest, so then I wouldn't have to explain to anyone, and everyone would've heard your story.
I don't want to go to college. i don't want to meet new people. i don't want ppl to walk into my room smoking a bong and I don't even blink an eye. I want my life complete and my career set already. I want to skip the next 4 years of my life, just haven't exactly figured out how to yet.
Today my mom told me to smile less. Well her wish will be granted.


athena. said...

don't you dare start smiling less tara millspaugh...

don't you dare.

RachelB said...

i have indeed cracked an egg in my hand :( and walking on cypress's campus yesterday, i found i was finally intimidated by thoughts of the next 4 years. but we'll both find the strength to smile again. at least i know u will.

rOnaMaGlian said...

"I didn't know love could hurt more than hatred or anger. combined."

I totally agree with you. People only learn this the hard way. But let me tell you something. Love is never a waste. And it's never wrong to love, despite the pain.


A notion said...

whats a 62 minute hot box?