Saturday, March 7, 2009

I want to change something

about me.

I want to stop being so sensitive. I want to be secure about everything. I want to be secure about you, my friends, my family, my future and myself. But, none of those I have security with. There are bigger and better things out there. Better than me. Bigger than me. And, everyone seems to get a hold of these things, but not me.

In sequel to kimly's blog, I am terrified. I really am. Things I want so badly to happen I fear never will. I keep saying things, and all of you used to say yes, yes, we will. But, now you hesitate. That hesitation terrifies me.

Why has crying become so easy. It makes me angry when I cry. I used to cry maybe once a year. But, now it's probably once a week or every other week. I hate this sensitivity crap. People seem to brush off shit so easily. I used to be that person. I used to be the heart breaker. But, now my heart is breaking. My heart is breaking from exhaustion, fear, worry, injustice, stupidity, and stubbornness.

I miss those days when you knew no matter what you did one person would be there for you. Or you had someone to run to. Now, when I need to run I look around in confusion thinking who to go to. My friends? They can only sympathize with me so much. My teachers? I won't have them next year so why prolong the love. My boyfriend? I'm tired of burdening him with so much of my own problems. Lately, my mom has been the one who knows me the best. She told me today that she's not used to me letting people bother me so much. I'm gonna stop that. I'm gonna hang up the phone and not cry anymore. I'm gonna take the snippy comment or the bitchy look and walk away and forget about it. I'm gonna let people make their mistakes and not say anything about it. If people treat me unfairly, I'm gonna laugh at you because one day you will realize that you have no one because power has consumed your whole soul.

Right now I wish I could take Soma pills. But, until scientists create a legal drug to make you happy, I'm gonna keep breathing and realize in the end people are going to hurt you but you still have yourself.

I will always be there for me and so will this rhinoceros. That gives me some hope.